Buffy's Thoughts, Faith's Actions, and Thier react
by goddessa39
Summary: BA, BF friendship. S7ish, after she is thrown out. Buffy tells Faith everything, and Faith gives out the messages. Scoobybashing.


Timeline: S7-ish Summary: Buffy reflects on her past and the truth. And as she flies away to her Angel, she spits back on the earth. Scooby-bashing! B/A angst. Mentions of B/S and B/R, but is basically B/A. Angel is put in a way kinda bad to, but it IS b/a.  
  
Buffy's POV  
  
There's lots of ways to die. You can be tortured to death, asphyxiation, blood loss... and with my little add-ons, you can be drowned after blood loss, and you can jump into a mystical portal thingy, and have the energy cause you unthinkable pain, causing your soul to leave, and body to die. Then there's the ways you can be turned into a vampire and then dusted. There's a whole lotta ways.  
  
And then, when your body refuses to die, but you feel it, well, that happens a lot too. Especially to me.  
  
When I heard my watcher talking to my boyfriend about a prophecy that just WAS going to come true, no buts about it, I felt a piece of me shatter. When you're the slayer, you tend to take death in as no the most freakyish thing in the world. But I think that has to do with the fact that it can happen anytime. It can happen before the best date of your life, or even on a routine patrol, with a weak, fledgling vampire who got a lucky break. But when it was put in front of me, saying that I didn't have a choice... it hurt a lot. It's like "Who ruined the surprise? That's not supposed to happen to anyone! You should at least be under the impression that you may get to live long and happy."  
  
So I accepted it, and went down there to my death. And when I came back, even stronger, it was wierding me out! I wasn't suppost to come back was I?! It was over, no more un-fun and games. But noooooooo..... They just had to have me back. A precious warrior of the PTBs.  
  
And over the summer, it sorta sank in that I wasn't invincible, and that everyone was going to have to leave or watch me leave one day. So I brassed off at Cordy's lame jokes, and messed with everyone's minds just a little. And Willow was the only one that was let anywhere near me.  
  
I got over it, and started my relationship with Angel eventually.  
  
And then my 17th birthday happened, and we made love. That is something I will NEVER forget. And then when Angelus comes out? 'For every action, is a reaction.' Yep, something so good brought something so bad. I really hate my life.  
  
And then Jenny died. That was a startling blow. It hurt the whole group together.  
  
But eventually, I got the nerve to kill the demon wearing my lovers face. And then it happened.  
  
I though for a moment that it was a miracle. My lover had been restored to me. He was back.  
  
And then I remembered Xander's hesitation. And it all clicked. He wasn't being restored to me. He was being restored by Willow.  
  
And Xander had just NOT mentioned it. "She said... Kick His Ass." He had said. I was to busy looking onwards at the fight that the oddness at those words being from Willow's mouth never hit me.  
  
And when he was there, kneeling down on his knees, he looked at me, and I knew. I hadn't registered the orange glow in his eyes a moment ago. I had FELT his soul return. And I was happy... for the moment.  
  
I heard the energy, and felt the skin on me prickle, before I allowed myself to even think about the portal. And when I saw it, I left my body, and stood next to me, not believing what I would have to do. And when I stuck to sword into his gut, I died. Not enough to say that I have flat- lined (although I probably held my heart at a rate that would have allowed me to be.) But in reality, I did die.  
  
So I ran away, taking what was left of my sanity with me. And I saved those people from the worker-bee Hell place, and I decided to go back. You see, I wasn't running from my mom, who had kicked me out. I was running from those who worked with me. They would be sad at Angel's disappearance for my sake, but no one really meant it.  
  
Only willow, and in a way, Oz. And I allowed her in just a little bit more then anyone else, which still wasn't much, and I trusted her to keep me sane. And sure, she did. And I didn't get kinda even with Xander by telling them what had happened.  
  
The only reason I came back, was knowing that a next slayer would come to try and take the slaying over on the hellmouth. I didn't want to let them get succored down in the deep end like I was. I didn't want them to be alone like I was, now that Kendra was dead.  
  
I didn't start out well with Faith. I was constantly jealous of her being in my friends' midst. They weren't paying much attention with me. That was actually fine with me. But I saw them getting Faith to join them, and I panicked.  
  
And then Angel came back. But he was animal-like. He couldn't think straight. He didn't even know who I was. And I won't ask how he knew I was in trouble, and he decided to save me. It's to bizarre, even for Sunnydale standards to think about right now.  
  
And for a little bit of time, I was okay as I tried to get him to heal. And then he started to.  
  
And Xander had to ruin it again. He had to follow me. He had to and he saw us. But of course, he didn't trust me enough to confront me alone. He told everyone how we were kissing and getting all googely eyed at each other again. Which wasn't even true. We were practicing our meditation, and we were just moving very slow with our eyes closed. But Xander wouldn't trust me at all.  
  
And then he had to go and tell Faith how I'd 'betrayed' all of them by not informing them, and she backed off into her own little world, thinking that I had because he was the all powerful, knowing one who could be trusted with any situation. Yeah right.  
  
But we had gotten almost sisterly, and I won't even start talking about how my mom was just weirding out at the whole thing. The only one who could be okay with any of this was Dawn. But that was because we never told her much. And that was always annoying her.  
  
And things happened, and Christmas. That was the closest I have been to bliss since, since our 17th. Nah, it wasn't bliss, it was contentment. And Faith had been sisterly.  
  
And then, the whole sewer scene. He broke up with me, in a sewer. Yeah, so he wasn't exactly with the whole teenage thing, but still. And then it was before prom as well. That HURT!  
  
And then the stuff with Faith killing the Deputy Mayor and all. I was there, and it wasn't her fault at all. And I tried to get her to see that I understood it. And when she punished Angel by poisoning him. I still find it ironic. Poisoning him so that only the killer would be able to cure him. Well, she got her wish. I stabbed her, and made her bleed, which led to her coma. And I fed him myself. I killed him right?! It was either me or her. I wouldn't let him go yet. I knew where I would go at my death, but he might have to wait a bit due to the demon inhabiting him.  
  
And he left anyway. Just like that. No final goodbye; just a look to make sure I had made it out of the battle.  
  
Well, I guess that's all he cared about because he didn't turn back around when he left and I shattered.  
  
I think Giles actually understood me then. And I put him back in the spot he belonged, as my watcher.  
  
My eighteenth birthday didn't go well either; Giles of all people did the test the council told him to. But he proved himself to me when he told me about it, and saved my ass down in the house where Krailich tried to have my death. It still hurts though. It's still bleeding. Everything is. My heart, and soul, and body is bleeding form every wound ever lodged. And it won't stop.  
  
Willow tried to comfort me, but after a bit, she just got swept away by her boyfriend when he left her. And she expected every bit of fiber of my being to be used to make her better. Well Willow, don't you I know I have these things I have to take care of? You guys stated them for me- don't you remember?!  
  
But I didn't say it. I held her for a time, until she could be alone for herself some. I gave her a bit of comfort, but she acted as if I had to give her more, that I wasn't already getting out of bed when she muffled her cries, or got her her refreshments when she needed them, and couldn't be bothered to get them herself.  
  
When I found out that Kathy, my new room mate was evil, I pointed out facts to everyone about how she was evil. And then I went and ripped her face off. I was a bit crazed due to her spells, but still. They had me chained to the chair, and talked about me, in front of me, as if I was a thing and not there. That hurt.  
  
I dated Riley for a time, but never really loved him. In fact, I never really liked him. He just seemed home grown and fake. He pleased the gang, and that suited what I needed. I suited him by giving him sex. And let me tell you about his sex, it was more like the exchange of bodily fluids. He could barely hold anything in. He was a giddy boy. 'Boy.' There's thee word I was hating.  
  
Apparently, every person in my life changes ages frequently. They sometimes can be wise and all knowing. Usually not. And other times be strong and careful, while shoving their fist in their own mouth to shut them up.  
  
No one is fair, as I have learned about this world. But it's not suppost to be like this. It was never made to go this way. NOTHING here is fair at all. It suppost to be just where it goes up and down, trying to balance the scales. Well, the creators must have lost the directions on hot to control this stupid planet, and our pathetic races.  
  
I once told Angel that the hardest thing in this world is to live in it. And that we can do it if we're together.  
  
Well we're not are we? He left. He must have missed the whole 'us' concept.  
  
On thanksgiving the summer when you were in a coma, a morha demon was sent to Angel. It's purpose was to take a player out of the game. And it did. It made him human. The first thing he did was come to me. There were many hours making love in his apartment, after trying to be mature. It was a good afternoon. Then Doyle got a vision, and Angel went out after the mohra, which hadn't been killed, just beaten. So it came back stronger. He left me to sleep, and went and found it. I woke up soon after he left though, and got Doyle to tell me where he was. I got there, and saved him before he was killed, and I got pretty badly beaten too. But I smashed it's ruby on it's head, and it gave us a message. '"Together, you are strong. Alone, you are dead."' Kinda finny actually. So, I went back to the hotel unconscious, and Angel went to the Oracles. He got them to give him back his strength, but they took back the day. So I got there a minute before, and he told me. And I kissed him. I told him that I would never forget. He forgot something though. I always keep my promises. So I remembered, and finished the conversation we were having, and the mohra jumped in through the window again. He went straight to smashing the ruby.  
  
So I walked away. I cried the whole way back to Sunnydale. I go the only bit of comfort I could.  
  
And when I got back, it was same as usual, crisis after crisis.  
  
I started dating Riley. I never really liked him like I told you before, but Willow kept pushing me towards him. I dated him for a while, no sex. But things got a little harder everyday, and I stated to get serious with him. It was only because people kept pushing me towards him though.  
  
I always kept looking at him, and comparing him to Angel though. And I think Oz was the only one to see it, other then you and Spike of course.  
  
And when you slept with Riley, I didn't hate you precisely, but that no one could see it wasn't me. They only reason they ever found out is because Tara did a spell to see me. That pissed me off too! And when I heard you went to LA, I left for there, and found you in his arms.  
  
That's why I was so hurt. It wasn't exactly you; You were probably just going for revenge. It didn't matter to me really. It was him that I was mad at. He couldn't see me for me, and he was in Your arms. That's why it hurt so ouch, why I was so mad at you.  
  
Cordy wasn't exactly helping any either. God, she just grew more INTO the Queen C we all once knew.  
  
OH! And there's something else I learned during my brief stay in heaven. On the day that wasn't, I conceived! Can you believe it? Who woulda thought?!  
  
Only, since he took the day back, and they can't take souls back, they gave it to him. And the first person he slept with got pregnant. Did you hear who it was? Darla! Ha! That struck me hard. And since Angel was so wrapped around him being Darla's son, he never paid attention to the fact that he could feel me in Connor. He even looks a lot like me. If someone would just look at him and what he does for a few moments, they'd be able to see it.  
  
But he does look more like his father. I've gotta admit that.  
  
So when I heard he was gone, I was grief stricken, and I got lower in the depression I was in with Spike their to drag me down lower.  
  
And Then I heard about him and Cordy. Cordy! Hah! I should have seen it coming. When we first started going out, we went to the bronze for a date. I showed up late with straw in my hair due to some unscheduled slayage. He was sitting there laughing with her. I turned around and blew him off for the date.  
  
Then I got pissed even more, and I hit rock bottom with Spike. He never drank me if that's what you're thinking. You see, when Willow and them took me out of heaven, they didn't even think I would have been in heaven. They thought I was in hell until that stupid music demon Sweet came by. And then, they still expected me to get better. And Giles just decided to leave again, right after that in fact.  
  
Only Angel knew I had been in heaven. We met up halfway like usual if things get to bad. He knew immediately that I was not in Hell, but in heaven. He said that I had looked like I had been taken away from the only peace and happiness available. Well, it's happened on multiple occasions.  
  
The other thing they didn't count on was waking up in my coffin. Even when they weren't aware that the ceremony would be interrupted, they left me in the ground, six feet under, in my coffin. I had to claw myself out, and they didn't even try to feel what it was I was feeling. They just expected me to be fine. And when I put on a fake smile, they believed it, just like they did after Angel left.  
  
When Riley left, it hurt cause I had been left again. Not because he was gone. But it felt kinda good, for a while, they wouldn't expect me to have someone to have sex with. My mom thought I was saddened by Riley leaving me. She never realized that I had been that way since Angel left. I felt like screaming at her. But I wouldn't because she could care for me the way she always did, and Dawn needed taken care of as well.  
  
That's what is bugging me about Dawn. She thinks that she is so innocent, when she is just as blind as everyone else. She is petty, and goes along with anything they say as well. She's mad at me for not including her, when she's been with them the whole time.  
  
The first slayer told me that I didn't know what's to come. Or what Im suppost to become. She also told me that Death was my gift. I scoffed at her, thinking she was nuts. And then I got back to the house and learned more about Dawn. And everything clicked. It was my ticket out of this messed up place. But I would wait till it was time, cause I'm still waiting....  
  
And then it happened, and I jumped. And I was free. The portal, it didn't cause me pain, it caused me peace. So I left, and my body fell to the ground, and they buried what was left of me.  
  
But they did something else without my permission; I should have known something would happen. Nobody thinks my side should have any say. They believe they know what's good for me. And that's that. I have to go through hell, just to keep the others living how they think they should.  
  
When Willow went all evil, it shocked me a lot, because, out of all of them, she was the one I trusted most to save the world. Xander would have fought for only those he loved. Giles would have done what's right, but in the end, never had made it. Dawn would fall before she knew what hit her. Oz wasn't around, as well as Tara. Anya would take the easy way out. But she would at least be honest with herself and those around her.  
  
So, everyone leaves eventually, but they expect me to stay. Well, I say, that the world doesn't deserve a slayer. It wants to go on, with us to do its dirty work, when it's really us that deserve to be protected and harbored.  
  
Kendra. She was the perfect slayer that every watcher would have wanted. She was born into this fight, and she wouldn't talk to boys, because where she was from, they weren't allowed. She had a will though, and never let anyone bend it. And she took things as they came.  
  
She started doing what she was taught not to do, and she was killed.  
  
Faith, promise me something. Do what you want or need to do. Don't let anyone push you around. Find your own way, and stick to it. Find something you weren't pre destined to do. If you continue with this, then you will end up two feet under and without a life.  
  
Life shapes you. You find love or heartbreak or friends to share your afterlife with. But its death that you need to be ready for, and life you need to accept. But if you don't feel like you can, then don't.  
  
Want. Take. Have. But only if you can get it honestly. Because if you don't, it's going to be a moment of clarity where you first realize you're in hell, where you see what you have done wrong.  
  
So, I made a few mistakes. What about theirs? I haven't bugged them about the ones that they made, but they expect me to be fine with everything. Then they think I can handle it because I am all cool and mighty. That I am indestructible, even though they have seen me die.  
  
Well Faith... I am done writing. He hasn't figured out that I remember, so I'll tell him when he gets there. And in the meantime little sister. Be careful, and think about what you fight for.... You may just find that it doesn't have a point. It never does anymore...  
  
Faith sat, tears in her eyes as she listened to Buffy. She regretted everything she had ever done to her sister-in-arms. She never realized how much Buffy had to actually give up to do someone else's job.  
  
She watched her look out at the coming sun. Pain clearly etched into her face. She wanted to strangle everyone who ever wrongly touched her sister. It was just, wrong. And she didn't mean fair, she meant, just not right.  
  
Buffy walked over to her and handed he a box. Faith took it, looking through it. A few pictures were taken-only of her happy memories, and none after thanksgiving, and Kendra's stake Mr. Pointy was in there with Buffy's diaries. Faith was confused, and she looked up at Buffy.  
  
"Faith. She gave it to me, so I give it to you. You're the only true warrior in our line left. Keep it, and remember the good times. Know why you're fighting before you get into it. Don't do what others tell you unless you know you must, or were doing it anyway. Don't let them rule you; get a hold of your own life. Live, but only as long as it takes for you to feel too old to do it. I've long passed my quota, and it was mostly pointless."  
  
She kissed her sister's cheek, with a small smile of only pain, tiredness, understanding, and acceptance in it. There was also a little love for her sister-slayer in there.  
  
"There's a couple tapes in there to the gang. It will explain everything to them. My thoughts of them and pain for all they have done. There's also a bank account I had set up for you a long time age. I met a girl in La, her name was Lily at the time, but she goes by Anne Porter now, and she is almost as handy as Willow. She took a bunch of stuff out for me before this mess started with everyone last year. I had her do it before I died. You can live off of it for a long time in style. There's a smaller one for dawn in there. I'm mad at her, and she can't accept me, but I am her guardian after all. The diaries are left to you, and there's a tape ore two for you in there as well. There are a few messages to AI also, telling them the truth. They'll know anyway, Angel will have received my message by then. Take this, and use a spell in the letter to you if you need to contact me."  
  
Buffy smiled at her sister-slayer one last time before kissing her gently on the forehead. I'm here for you Faith, when the world won't understand, you can come to me. I'm the only one who can understand you now. They will misinterpret as always."  
  
She breathed in as she stepped back. "My death will accomplish something that no one else will. No one can break me, but that's because I've been broken for too long already. No one is able to kill me, but I am already being burnt alive. They've managed to kill me in a way I've never thought of though. They're breaking up the world form its very core. And they can't even see it." She stepped away then.  
  
She took one last look at Faith, before saying, "Goodbye my sister. You can reach me only if you try. Have a good life, be happy." And with that, she was gone. Leaving a crying, shocked, Faith to mourn, and to set justice upon those that she once called her friends.  
  
Faith got back to the house around noon. When she walked in, everyone stared at her for a while. No one knew how to approach the reason that the slayer who was now their leader, was crying.  
  
Whistler appeared in the doorway. Faith wasn't shocked. There was no way anything strange could shock her right now. There was some talk and whispers around him, and they saw that the demon was crying as well.  
  
He finally talked to her when the room quieted. "Faith, you are no longer a slayer, she gave her peace as well. You four were the last slayers, there will be no more. You can keep all of your advantages for it, but you don't have a duty anymore."  
  
He looked around the room with strangely blood-shot eyes, and shouted at the group, besides Faith. "You all outta be ashamed of yourselves. You drove the only Goddess to walk the earth to death. You all found her only weakness. Angelus found it as well. 'To kill this slayer, you've got to be on the inside..' I hope you all burn in hell for the wrong you've caused." He jumped in front of Faith and grabbed the cassettes. She didn't try to stop him, knowing what he was gonna do. He had a full bottle of whiskey; Faith knew it wasn't his first, seeing as how he was already drunk; and she doubted that he would not have a callus to alcohol by now. Buffy had told her about him.  
  
Everyone who wasn't Spike, Faith, or Whistler in the room had no idea what was going on. Spike wasn't there for the last encounter between the slayers, but he was starting to get the idea. He was quiet as he sat in the corner of the living room. Most of the Potentials were just confused. But a few were worried, along with the Scoobies; the way Faith had walked in, and the way she was now- and the demon yelling at them was just kind of freaking them out.  
  
Giles and a Potential caught two tapes Whistler threw at them. The demon pointed to the tv, looking like a dog who wanted them to go somewhere, or a child that was not giving up without a fight.  
  
They were all confused and curious. So Giles and the potential hurried to the living room and put the tape in. The screen appeared, and they saw Buffy moving the videocamera in place.  
  
Buffy sat down at the chair in front of the screen, and sat up straight. Hey guys! She wasn't smiling, but the scoobies recognized the voice she said when she was happy. They didn't realize it was a voice she 'used.' It was total fake, and was very active. "Guess you can't guess where I am!" There was a giggle and the camera moved to the stage at the Bronze. "Well guees what?! I have been keeping a secret from you guys for a while. I never even told Angel. You better feel privileged."  
  
"Remember the summer I ran away- oh of course you do. Well, I stumbled across a little piece of Hell, and saved a bunch of people. Well, I found a way to open it, and I do a lot. You see, I go here whenever I am about to go overboard. It happens a lot actually. And you guys haven't even noticed I was gone."  
  
"But that's not the important secret. This is my friend Lily, you might remember her from the thing with Ford a few years back. She was going by Chanterelle then, and wanted to become one of the 'Lonely Ones.' Well she came to LA with her boyfriend. I met up with her, and found her boyfriend had been taken to this place. But we were to late, he was out and old before she knew he was missing. Well, we got in and I dealt with the things that were enslaving the homeless and runaways."  
  
"Enough about the past. This is actually the Bronze. My friend Lily is a millionaire now, so she gives me some whenever I need it. And I didn't before because I wanted to give everyone a chance to learn some responsibility of their own. As some of you can hopefully tell, it didn't turn out that way."  
  
"The point of this little tape is to get you guys to see the truth. I want every one of the scoobies still living in Sunnydale to be here to watch this. I don't care if the girls see this, but its your choice."  
  
"Anyway, the point of this is to be like a diary, only you guys are meant to see it, and the diaries go to Faith, and Angel, who I am still mad at about thanksgiving." She shuckled, which involuntarily drew one from every person in the room who didn't know what was going on. Once they were aware though, they stopped and put their attention back fully on the screen.  
  
"The day is my 21st birthday, and it's about 2 in the morning. You guys are all safe in your beds, and haven't yet awoken. Not a creature is stirring, not a mouse in the house. Except for the slayer, who is still the one to be stressed out."  
  
"Giles is with Willow in England, and Anya, Dawn, Xander and I are in the house. Xander, you're conked out on the couch snoring, while Anya is on your shoulder, trying not to be near you."  
  
"Well you guys need to face something. You love eachother. So something with eachother, or don't, but don't pretend about your feelings."  
  
"Willow, you're really insecure, which I can't blame you for. But you need to relax and find some comfortable ground. Else you might as well just magic yourself to death."  
  
"Giles, I love you. You're more then a father then my own has ever been. But you're starting to join hi in that category. I have always had issues with people leaving me. And you're adding to the problem. You see, you decided to leave when I needed you most. You would try to understand me a little bit atleast. But you shirked your duties in an un-Gilesey way."  
  
"You know what? You guys have really started to freak me out. You think you're suppost to be all fit and snuggled into your everyday lives, that it becomes a chore to do anything truly bonding. You get into an ongoing routine, and you don't even notice it."  
  
"If anyone can understand at all what I am talking about, you'll get what I am talking about. None of you is as brave as you were when I met you. The good ole days." She sighed.  
  
"And that's where it starts. My 17th birthday." She held her hand up at the screen to stop Xander's comment that she knew would come. "Shut up Xander! I am not in the mood, and you need to let me explain." Xander suddenly felt very uncomfortable as he held back a comment about 'Dead Boy.'  
  
"On my 27th birthday, my birthday bad luck was as unwelcome as usual, when I found one of Spike's minions carrying the a box, containing the Judge's arem. I opened it, and it chocked me, And it was just an arm! So Ms. Calendar pesauded Angle to carry it away. She did that, cause she was listening to her gypsy instincts at the moment, and she thought Angel would be a little bit toooo happy.  
  
?Well she was right. You see, Jenny was actually working on the curse since she met me and Angel. She figured this would happen. But once she actually found the curse, it was too late. And she didn't have the time to change it, as only a gypsy can.?  
  
"So Me and Angel went to Spike's lair in the old factory, and tried to get the box before it was delivered to him and Dru. We were to late, and the Judge was put together. Some vamps of his spotted us and took us down in front of the Judge. There was a small fight, and the two of us were captured. He was about to touch Angel, when I kicked him hard. And it was just a second. I fevered up, be happy he didn't burn my humanity away."  
  
"So we managed to escape, and we went through the raining sewers. We got up and it was pouring outside, so I was cold, and wet, and needed to dry. We went back to his apartment. One thing lead to another, and we made love."  
  
"And no, it wasn't fucking, or screwing, or sex when you get doen to it. It was love, pure and simple. And when I was asleep, he felt a moment of pure happiness when he realized that he was accepted. That I, as well as the slayer in me, could feel perfectly safe in the arms of one of the most known vamps to walk the planet. And that he could feel absolutely fine in my arms as well. There's some other stuff, but you guys need to realize that it wasn't just the sex. It was the after-sex."  
  
"Anyway, down to the memories that I want to get out in the opened."  
  
"Xander. Just so you know, I know about the zombies and stuff with the school bomb, and I think it was very brave and cool of you to do something like that for yourself, and not use it against us."  
  
"But Xander, there's something else. And I never told any of them because they would be mad at me, and I couldn't take any more pity from anyone of you. But I know that you lied when we walked to the mansion to destroy Angelus. I know that Willow wouldn't have said to 'Kick His Ass,' as you put it in that condition and time." Everyone stared angrily at Xander. They had no idea.  
  
"And Xander, you have always been jealous. And I don't know why. You had Cordy then, and she was fine with you, even though it was very unorthodoxed. You spied on Angel and me when I was trying to get him to heal. Did you ever bother rationally wondering why I hadn't told any of you of his return?- Of course you wouldn't have, none of you ever accepted him back as part of the group. If you wanna ask me why, then look back on how you did react, and you'll be close to my point. I can't trust any of you to understand me any longer."  
  
"In fact, you never trusted me again either. And I think you guys need to realize that too. That really hurt when I got back, and you all wanted to make my life for me. But I never did that. You guys are still doing that. You expect me to do what you want me to do, and nothing else. I'm not some pet. In high school, I was your best friend. You all were mine too. But I came back to a world that really wasn't what it used to be. I sometimes wonder if I had let Earth go to hell instead. But then I remember that we're not together, and Hell wouldn't be able to do that. In fact, I wish I had. It would have solved a lot of problems. But enough of that."  
  
"Willow. You were the one person left I could trust with my life. But when you took me out of heaven, I don't think any of you gave much thought to what you were really doing. First off, even I know to ward any spell that isn't for daily use. And that definitely includes resurrection spells and black magic. And then you guys left me in my coffin. Think about it, even if it didn't work in the end. How did you all expect me to come to you guys like a trained dog? I would still have to dig my way up and out."  
  
"Well, here's the facts. I was happy, not perfectly because I wasn't whole, but I was at peace. I was also waiting, but we don't have time to get into that. And then, I was grabbed and dragged down, kicking and screaming at a magic that shouldn't own me anymore. And My soul was pulled into a decaying corpse. I felt my entrails starting to spoil, and my unbeating heart. I felt no breathe, but the ache of the soreness after the battle with Glory, and the fall. It didn't hurt you know- the portal. I only had a picture of him in my mind, and I fell into oblivion holding his hand. And that was that. But I woke up to a small cramped enclosed space made of metal and wood. And I panicked. I punched and kicked and scratched. I broke all of my nails off you know? My knuckles were scraped up and bleeding. They were sore and it hurt my bones to bend any. When I finally finished digging through the roots and ground, and reached the space, I gasped for air. My lungs ached for more then one reason, and I still only had him in my mind. So I got up and ran. I found the bot being pulled apart by those roadie demons, and I was chased. They thought I was just another bot. So I ran for him, but I was cut off by another band of demons, so I fell into an alley, which you guys happened to pass by. You didn't recognize me for myself. Xander, you made rude comments about the bot. But I didn't know, I was just looking for him. I was in shock. I could barely breathe. And you tried to touch me, but whenever someone made a sound, or moved it hurt. It still does. But the slayer took over for a while and ran, and found the tower. I was confused, so I went back to the top. I looked for the memory, and found only a short one in my jump. I asked for him, and Dawn answered. She said I was home. I asked her if this was hell. Because it can't be home. Home is him, and he's not here. So I must be in hell, right? Well I am, And nobody understood that. And I asked for him every second I could, but nobody seemed to hear me. And when I was aware, I thought of him for every second. But you guys just said, no it's probably not a good idea. Or we shouldn't call him shes not ready."  
  
"Well that's what's driving me mad. NOBODY ASKS MY OPINION ON ANYTHING. WILLOW DIDN'T ASK IF I WANTED TO BE BROUGHT BACK. I WASN'T ASKED TO BE THE SLAYER. I WASN'T ASKED IF I WANTED TO BREAK UP. I WASN'T ASKED IF IT WAS OKAY TO TAKE MY MEMORIES OF THE DYA, LET ALONE THE DYA. I WASN'T ASKED IF I WAS SANE, OR IF IT WAS OKAY IF ANYTHNG HAPPENED!!! I never got any choice."  
  
"Giles. When we stood at Ford's grave, I asked you if growing up could be any easier. I told you to lie to me, and you said it gets amazingly simpler every second,; the bad guy always wins, and the good guy always gets the girl. Or at least, that's the gist of it. I also asked you I could stop. Well, I'm al grown up right? I can vote, and drive, and drink. So how come I can't make my own choices?! The first ime I died, It wasn't any choice. It was prophecied, and it still hurts. Life shouldn't be set in stone. Life should be a mystery and a grand adventure at the same time. So why isn't it?"  
  
Buffy wnet on to talk to the gang about their faults, and her position. Everyone was in tears if they weren't already by the time her very long speech had finished. She spoke a last bit at the end.  
  
"I have never fought for myself. It has always been for someone innocent, or one of my friends. But when you kicked me out and said you couldn't trust me, you all knew as well as I do that you might as well have blamed me for it to my face. It's the last straw. It's kind of funny though. The only ones there that sided with me at all were two of my enemies, or atleast two that have tries to kill me? Faith is my sister-slayer. I bet you never knew that we had been in contact for a while now, and had basically made up. And me and Spike? We're over, we've both agreed, and he is just a confidant now. You see, he has misused me, but I can still rely on him when I need to. He knows me in a way that you guys hve'nt since I ran away.."  
  
"I love you guys. But I don't know you anymore. I don't know if I like you even. What ever happened to my fun loving buddies who could read me easily, and make me laugh happily with a simple joke in the graveyard. Even Faith knew when I wasn't happy, and she hasn't even seen me happy."  
  
She was seen getting up onstage, and picking up a guitar. She looked into the video camers. "I have made a lot of friends through out my time as reigning slayer. A few have come here to me tonight, and have agreed to help with my video. Ready to see something you wouldn't know about? Well, Dawn would, but she had probably forgotten by now, but here goes...."  
  
Now I will tell you what I've done for you 50 thousand tears I've cried Screaming deceiving and bleeding for you And you still won't hear me Don't want your hand this time I'll save myself Maybe I'll wake up for once Not tormented daily defeated by you Just when I thought I hit the bottom I'm dying again  
  
I'm going under Drowning in you I'm falling forever I've got to break through I'm going under  
  
Blurring and stirring the truth and the lies So I don't know what's real and what's not Always confusing the thoughts in my head So I can't trust myself anymore I'm dying again  
  
I'm going under Drowning in you I'm falling forever I've got to break through  
  
So go on and scream Scream at me I'm so far away I won't be broken again I've got to breathe I can't keep going under  
  
How can you see into my eyes like open doors? Leading you down into my core Where I've become so cold without a soul My spirit sleeping somewhere cold Until you find it there and lead it home  
  
Wake me up inside Wake me up inside Call my name and save me from the dark Bid my blood to run before I come undone Same me from the nothing I've become  
  
Now that I know what I'm without You can't just leave me Breathe into me and make me real Bring me to life  
  
Wake me up inside Wake me up inside Call my name and save me from the dark Bid my blood to run before I've come undone Save me from the nothing I've become Bring me to life I've been living a lie, theres nothing insideFrozen inside without your touch without your love Darling only you are the life among the dead  
  
All this time I can't believe I couldn't see Kept in the dark but you were there in front of me I've been sleeping a thousand years it seems Got to open my eyes to everything Without a thought without a voice Without a soul Don't let me die here there must be something more Bring me to life  
  
Wake me up inside Wake me up inside Call my name and save me from the dark Bid my blood to run Before I come undone Save me from the nothing I've become Bring me to life I've been living inside there's nothing in lifeBring me to life...  
  
Perfect by Nature Icons of self-indulgence Just what we all need More lies about a world that  
  
Never was and never will be Have you no shame don't you see me You know you've got everybody fooled  
  
Look here she comes Bow down and stare in wonder Oh how we love you No flaws when you're pretending But now I know she  
  
Never was and never will be You don't know how you've betrayed me And somehow you've got everybody fooled  
  
Without the mask where will you be? Can't find yourself lost in your lie  
  
I know the truth now I know who you are And I don't love you anymore  
  
It never was and never will be You're not real and you can't save me Somehow now you're everybody's fool  
  
I'm so tired of being here Suppressed by all of my childish fears And if you have to leave I wish that you would just leave Because your presence still lingers here And it won't leave me alone  
  
These wounds won't seem to heal This pain is just too real There's just to much that Time cannot erase  
  
When you cried I'd wipe away all of your tears When you'd scream I'd fight away all of your fears And I've held your hand through all of these years But you still have all of me  
  
You used to captivate me By your resonating light But now I'm bound by the life you've left behind Your face it haunts my once pleasant dreams Your voice it chased away all the sanity in me  
  
These wounds won't seem to heal This pain is just too real There's just to much that time cannot erase  
  
When you cried I'd wipe away all of your tears When you'd scream I'd fight away all of your fears And I've held your hand through all of these years But you still have all of me  
  
I've tried so hard to tell myself that you're gone And though you're still with me I've been alone all along  
  
I tried to kill the pain But only brought more I lay dying I'm pouring crimson regret and betrayal I'm dying, praying, bleeding, and screaming Am I too lost to be saved? Am I too lost?  
  
My God My tourniquet Return me to salvation My God My tourniquet Return me to salvation  
  
Do you remember me Lost for so long Will you be on the other side? Or will you forget me I'm dying, praying, bleeding, and screaming Am I too lost to be saved? Am I too lost?  
  
My God My tourniquet Return me to salvation My God My tourniquet Return me to salvation  
  
My wounds cry for the grave My soul cries for deliverance Will I be denied Christ? My Tourniquet? My suicide  
  
Are you aware of what you make me feel, baby  
  
Right now I feel invisible to you, like I'm not real  
  
Didn't you feel me lock my arms around you  
  
Why'd you turn away?  
  
Here's what I have to say I was left to cry there,  
  
waiting outside there grinning with a lost stare  
  
That's when I decided [chorus]  
  
Why should I care  
  
Cuz you weren't there when I was scared I was so alone  
  
You, you need to listen I'm starting to trip,  
  
I'm losing my grip and I'm in this thing alone Am I just some chick you place beside you to take somebody's place  
  
when you turn around can you recognize my face you used to love me,  
  
you used to hug me  
  
But that wasn't the case  
  
Everything wasn't ok I was left to cry there  
  
waiting outside there grinning with a lost stare  
  
That's when I decided [chorus] Crying out loud I'm crying out loud  
  
Crying out loud I'm crying out loud Open your eyes  
  
Open up wide  
  
Why should I care  
  
Cuz you weren't there  
  
when I was scared I was so alone Why should I care  
  
Cuz you weren't there when I was scared I was so alone  
  
Why should I care  
  
If you don't care then I don't care were not going newhere  
  
Why should I care cuz you weren't there when I was scared I was so alone  
  
Why should I care If you don't care then i don't care were not going newhere  
  
It's been two weeks  
  
Three days long  
  
I'm all alone since you've been gone  
  
I can't keep myself from asking why  
  
Just wanna see my reflection  
  
In your eyes Just know that I'm with you  
  
And what you feel  
  
I feel it too I'm feeling lately  
  
I'm going crazy  
  
Wondering how I'll go on without you  
  
I keep on trying  
  
Slowly dying  
  
Thinking about how I need you here with me I wear your shirt  
  
The scent of you  
  
Reminds of the night that we became two  
  
There's nothing else  
  
That feels the same  
  
Everyday there's sun, it feels just like rain Just know that I'm with you  
  
And what you feel  
  
I feel it too I'm feeling lately  
  
I'm going crazy  
  
Wondering how I'll go on without you  
  
I keep on trying  
  
Slowly dying  
  
Thinking about how I need you here with me  
  
Tell me just what you want me to be  
  
One kiss and boom you're the only one for me  
  
So please tell me why don't you come around no more  
  
Cause right now I'm crying outside the door of your candy store [Chorus:]  
  
It just takes a little bit of this  
  
A little bit of that  
  
It started with a kiss  
  
Now we're up to bat  
  
A little bit of laughs  
  
A little bit of pain  
  
I'm telling you, my babe  
  
It's all in the game of love This, whatever you make it to be  
  
Sunshine set on this cold lonely sea  
  
So please baby try and use me for what I'm good for  
  
It ain't sayin' goodbye that's knocking down the door of your candy store [Chorus]  
  
It's all in this game of love  
  
You roll me  
  
Control me  
  
Console me  
  
Please hold me  
  
You guide me  
  
Divide me  
  
Into what... [Guitar solo]  
  
Make me feel good, yeah So please tell me why don't you come around no more  
  
If tomorrow never comes  
  
I would want just one thing  
  
I would tell it the stars and the sun  
  
I would write it for the world to see And it's you  
  
The light changes when you're in the room  
  
Oh, it's you  
  
Whoa, it's you If tomorrow never comes  
  
I would want just one wish  
  
To kiss your quiet mouth  
  
And trace your steps my fingertips And it's you  
  
The light changes when you're in the room  
  
And it's you  
  
Oh, it's you  
  
Oh, it's you And it's you  
  
Oh, it's you  
  
Oh, it's you  
  
Every time I feel alone  
  
I can blame it on you  
  
And I do, oh  
  
You got me like a loaded gun  
  
Golden sun and sky so blue  
  
We both know that we want it  
  
But we both know you left me no chance (Chaque fois que tu ton va)  
  
You just bring me down  
  
(Je pretend que tu fais bien)  
  
So I'm counting my tears 'til I get over you Sometimes I watch the world go by  
  
I wonder what it's like  
  
To wake up every single day  
  
Smile on your face  
  
You never tried  
  
We both know we can't change it  
  
But we both know we'll just have to face it (Chaque fois que tu ton va)  
  
You just bring me down  
  
(Je pretend que tu fais bien)  
  
So I'm counting my tears 'til I get over you If only I could give you up  
  
But would I want to let you off this soapbox baby? We both know that we want it  
  
But we both know you left me no choice (Chaque fois que tu ton va)  
  
You just bring me down  
  
(Je pretend que tu fais bien)  
  
So I'm counting my tears 'til I get over you We both know that I'm not over you  
  
I'm not over you  
  
Maybe it'd be better on my own  
  
No one ever seems to understand me  
  
It's easier for me to be alone  
  
But there's still a piece of me that feels so empty I've been all over the world  
  
I've seen a million different places  
  
But through the crowds and all the faces  
  
I'm still out there looking for you Where are you now?  
  
I'm trying to get by with never knowing at all  
  
What is the chance of finding you out there?  
  
Or do I have to wait forever? I write about the things I'll never know  
  
And I can't find a moment just to slow down  
  
It makes me think I'll never have the chance  
  
To figure out what it's all about  
  
So tell me what it's all about Where are you now?  
  
I'm trying to get by with never knowing at all  
  
What is the chance of finding you out there?  
  
Or do I have to wait forever? Where are you now?  
  
I'm trying to get by with never ever knowing at all  
  
And I still don't know Where are you now?  
  
I'm trying to get by with never ever knowing at all  
  
What is the chance of finding you out there?  
  
Or do I have to wait  
  
Or do I have to wait  
  
Or do I have to wait forever? Im still waiting...  
  
I've been driving for an hour  
  
Just talking to the rain  
  
You say I've been driving you crazy  
  
And it's keeping you away So just give me one good reason  
  
Tell me why I should stay  
  
'Cause I don't wanna waste another moment  
  
In saying things we never meant to say And I take it just a little bit  
  
I hold my breath and count to ten  
  
I've been waiting for a chance to let you in If I just breathe  
  
Let it fill the space between  
  
I'll know everything is alright  
  
Breathe  
  
Every little piece of me  
  
You'll see  
  
Everything is alright  
  
If I just breathe Well it's all so overrated  
  
I'm not saying how you feel  
  
So you end up watching chances fade  
  
And wondering what's real And I give you just a little time  
  
I wonder if you realize  
  
I've been wanting 'til I see it in your eyes If I just breathe  
  
Let it fill the space between  
  
I'll know everything is alright  
  
Breathe  
  
Every little piece of me  
  
You'll see  
  
Everything is alright  
  
If I just breathe So I whisper in the dark  
  
Hoping you'll hear me  
  
Do you hear me?  
  
If I just breathe  
  
Let it fill the space between  
  
I'll know everything is alright  
  
Breathe  
  
Every little piece of me  
  
You'll see  
  
Everything is alright  
  
If I just breathe Everything is alright if I just breathe  
  
I've been driving for an hour  
  
Just talking to the rain  
  
No, don't just walk away  
  
Pretending everything's ok  
  
And you don't care about me  
  
And I know there's just no use  
  
When all your lies become your truths and I don't care Could you look me in the eye  
  
And tell me that you're happy now  
  
Would you tell it to my face or have I been erased  
  
Are you happy now?  
  
Are you happy now? You took all there was to take  
  
And left me with an empty plate  
  
And you don't care about it  
  
And I, I've given up this game  
  
And leaving you with all the blame cause I don't care Could you look me in the eye?  
  
And tell me that you're happy now  
  
Would you tell it to my face or have I been erased  
  
Are you happy now?  
  
Are you happy now? Do you really have everything you want?  
  
You can never give somethin' you ain't got.  
  
You can't run away from yourself Could you look me in the eye?  
  
And tell me that youre happy now  
  
Come on tell it to my face or have I been erased  
  
Are you happy now?  
  
Are you happy now? Would you look me in the eye?  
  
Could you look me in the eye?  
  
I've had that all I can take  
  
And I'm about to break  
  
Cause I'm happy now  
  
Are you happy now?  
  
Of all the things I've believed in  
  
I just want to get it over with  
  
Tears form behind my eyes  
  
But I do not cry  
  
Counting the days that pass me by I've been searching deep down in my soul  
  
Words that I'm hearing are starting to get old  
  
It feels like I'm starting all over again  
  
The last three years were just pretend  
  
And I said, Goodbye to you  
  
Goodbye to everything I thought I knew  
  
You were the one I loved  
  
The one thing that I tried to hold on to I still get lost in your eyes  
  
And it seems that I can't live a day without you  
  
Closing my eyes and you chase my thoughts away  
  
To a place where I am blinded by the light  
  
But it's not right Goodbye to you  
  
Goodbye to everything I thought I knew  
  
You were the one I loved  
  
The one thing that I tried to hold on to And it hurts to want everything and nothing at the same time  
  
I want what's yours and I want what's mine  
  
I want you  
  
But I'm not giving in this time Goodbye to you  
  
Goodbye to everything I thought I knew  
  
You were the one I loved  
  
The one thing that I tried to hold on to  
  
The one thing that I tried to hold on to And when the stars fall  
  
I will lie awake  
  
You're my shooting star.  
  
"Goodbye" She finished when she quit singin, and the tape went off.  
  
"I Hope you're all frigin happy now!" Whistler spat. He was angry. The slayer was one of only a few assignments he actually liked. And he was mad at her friends. They had ruined everything. The slayer and ensouled vampire were supposed to be with their son in LA by now, and he was supposed to be human, but still with his vampire abilities.  
  
But no. She was dying again, and the future was thrown off all whacked again. The vampire was running around after his son, who was stuck in a hell dimension for over 18 years, and they didn't even know that Darla wasn't his mother. No wonder the PTBs called him over. They were just as confused as he was. No one could tell the exact moment that everything changed, but if it weren't for her supposed friends, she would be fine.... And everyone was just confused all over again.... 


End file.
